Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Tomorrow will be 2 weeks in the hospital. Medicare/Medicaid is getting restless. They will be releasing her to anywhere who will take her tomorrow. It isn't about your health people, it is all about money. Face it. We are talking hospice at this point, maybe..that is if the money falls into place. No kidding. Not sure where that will put her and what the total implications of that are at this point.

She was originally admitted for edema. She was up 40 pounds of water weight. Pretty hard on the heart. Since her admittance, she has gained an additional 20 pounds. They identified the bacteria that caused her coughing, which we thought was pneumonia. It is MRSA, antibiotic resistant staff. Mean shit. She contracted it while in the nursing home. Wait, can't say that, they won't admit that. They would have to report that and that makes them look bad.... This bacteria can and does kill healthy people. How can she keep fighting this with such a bad heart? The human will to live is amazing. She is amazing...

The nursing home, (I'll say it)... where she caught this bug, now refuses to take her back. She can go to Kenosha (a tiring daily trek) or way out by Burlington where her elderly friends can not drive to often, and I don't have the time each day to visit while working a full day.

There is no humanity. There really isn't much caring. I'll repeat. It is all money. Yes, I am bitter once again. It is hard not to be.

I'll know more tomorrow. More meetings... more inhumanity.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.... Dylan Thomas

I've been thinking about this poem a lot today. How do you tell someone that their words have forked lightening and maybe it is ok to go gentle into that good night?

Is it really your place to do that? Is it more humane? Dying ends all the suffering. I guess that is a choice we all have to make. You come in really alone, and you go out alone... even though you might be surrounded by those who love you.

The hospital called me yesterday to bring in my power of attorney paperwork. They were pretty sure mom was at her last moment. They goofed though, and called my home number while I was at work. By the time I got the message... it could have been too late. She persists. She keeps fighting. The human will to live is very strong.

I just got all her financial things in order, sold the house, got the medicaid certification. While it was a huge chore and made my brain hurt at times, those things seem pretty small now.

I know I've been there for her. Does sitting next to someone while they die really help them? I did it with my dad. It never leaves you. I don't know that I have the strength to do it again.

Oh yea, it is my birthday. Please don't wish me a happy one.