I haven't been back for quite awhile. It is still very hard to read where my mind was at such a difficult time in my life. I left out a lot of the sadness, it was just too raw to document. It was a very tough time helping someone navigate the end of life necessities.  I can't say that the pain is gone. It never really leaves you.  It changes you.  I think the time between feeling panic gets longer and longer as you go. 

So this is 2021. Month eleven of the Covid pandemic. I decided it was in my best interest health-wise to retire. My employer's decision making was never in the best interest of the employees. I chose to be the "Master of my own domain," and not let their choices be the guiding factor. It was a good decision. They have required employees to work in buildings that I believe are unsafe. They are now looking at bringing back students just as vaccines are beginning to role out. We've gone this long being safer at home and now we want to open it all up?  No one knows the implications of whether this is just an experiment or whether workers and students will be safe, or if someone's life will be compromised and they close back down. 

I can't believe it has almost been a whole year of staying in, staying safe. Thanksgiving was cancelled, Christmas was bizarre. We held it in my daughter's garage with the door open. It was wonderful to see the kids and grandkids, but very odd, very short. There was no Valentine's Day party, no chocolate hearts for the grandkids. No Easter dinner. No birthday parties. I miss my kids. I feel like I'm missing very important milestones with the grandkids. Will they even know me?  

More sadness this year. My younger brother, my lifelong partner in crime, my easy going,  go-to guy for normalcy passed away from Cancer. It happened fast. Learned that he saw a doctor and within a few weeks he was gone. How can that be? From five of us in my immediate family, we are down to two, myself and my oldest sister who lives on the other side of the country. Life can be mean, and disaster can, and does happen without warning sometimes. 

As of right now, I am trying to be patient. I'm trying to maintain calm and believe things will improve. I am relatively healthy.  No vaccines for Covid yet. They are still working on making more and getting it to first responders and those who have more exposure. I have to wait my turn. I hope it comes soon. I need to get out and live a little yet. Life is too short to quarantine forever. I miss people. I miss the spontaneity of a drop in visit. Zoom helps, somewhat, but it is nowhere near the same as a hug and an, "I love you, Grandma."