1/14/2011

 

Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

3-26-2010

Reading back in my blog, I am in a much better place than I was one year ago. I am forever changed, though. Hard to imagine how I survived that chaos: the mental and physical stress. Trying to live a normal life with so many assaults and so much burden of choosing what is right for someone else is... insane.

Things are much more calm for me now. The phone and mail no longer scare me. I don't bring a phone to bed with me anymore.

Spring is springing all around... wait, that isn't how the poem goes:

THE RAIN is raining all around,
It falls on field and tree,
It rains on the umbrellas here,
And on the ships at sea.

--Robert Louis Stevenson

Mom liked poems. I think of her often. I try to focus on the good things she did. We butted heads terribly at times. She made plenty of mistakes in her life and I was not that great to live with either. I think about who I am and how I have been shaped by her life and actions.

I've been hearing robins, but haven't laid eyes on any. The tulips are poking through the ground. A plant, included with fresh flowers from the funeral, survived and is growing outside my back window. It made me smile to see it. I am getting antsy, checking on my rose bushes to hope for new growth. Life does go on....

Mail continues to come to the house for mom. The magazine subscriptions and pleas from charities she gave to are relentless. A few stray bills from the nursing home and the healthcare system. She has been gone now for 10 months. You would think with their fragile clientele.... nursing homes would be proactive in getting those bills out. Wisconsin law states that the heirs are not responsible for bills 30 days after death. Once the estate has been closed, no one is responsible... they have to eat those outstanding bills. Still not sufficient punishment for making my mom's days miserable with poor care and inattentiveness.

I'm still sad when I drive past these institutions, knowing there are hundreds of individuals sitting in there. It is like a prison sentence for your last days on Earth. Makes me think about my own future. We've just passed the new and improved health care bill. Will this new way of doing business make things better..... or will it be that much worse?

1-24-2010

Months have passed since my last blog. It has been 8 months since my mom passed away. I'm still trying to get my head on straight. I'm still trying to figure out what a "normal" day is. Being the responsible care person for someone with a life ending illness is massive to ones mental and physical self. While in the past, I dealt with serious, potentially life altering illness with one of my children, I can not imagine the toll on parents with children who are terminally ill.

The possessions still need to be weeded through some more, but I'm happy with what I've accomplished. I've taken care of quite a bit, given away what I can and incorporated some of those things that meant so much to her into my own life. I can only do that slowly, I find. I need to be careful not to lose my own self.

The hum-drum of working every day provides distractions.

I find that lately I get so angry with so many things that aren't right... power struggles over things that infringe on what is really right for the masses, in a quest to simply bigger ones own lot in life. Wow. That is it. That simple statement sums up all that has been bugging me... if I don't mention the crazy-ass dreams I've been having.

8/23/2009

Another month has gone by. Wow! Summer is over.

I've been invited today for a delicious meal, the best company and friendship. Being around people you are comfortable with and who understand you are what it is all about. Being relaxed. Can't wait!

Still dealing with loose ends concerning mom's estate. The basement is acceptable. I'm still holding too much stuff belonging to my mom, but it is much better!

Unbelievably, mom still gets more mail every day than I do. I've noticed that I've been missing her and remembering the good times now more that the constant assault of things to do and worry are gone. The pain and anger of the last year or two is starting to fade a little and I'm able to let some of the grief run its course. Not enough yet though. I can literally still feel the lump of worry in my throat. I wish I could be more like my brother, laissez-faire. Alas, I can not. My blood pressure is still up despite medication.

School starts next week. Back at it. I am looking forward to the routine and the kids. I've missed them. What's wrong with me? ;> What I won't miss is the alarm and the early rising. Five am is brutal, especially as the days continue to get shorter and the darkness makes getting out of bed impossible.

Off to shower and have some fun. Fun! It is about time...

8-15-09

I've been able to manage much of mom's possessions. The box count is down. I still am holding way too much. I donated quite a bit to charity, but I'm finding difficulty, for some reason, in letting go of more. I tried to hold a small rummage sale, but those don't really disperse things the way they should. You really need the right clientele to show up. I know I need to get rid of more.

7/24/2009

Mom passed away the beginning of May. I haven't been able to update. Not sure how I feel. Although, I do miss her terribly at times, there is a lot of relief that she isn't suffering anymore and no one is asking me to do impossible tasks. I cringed every time my phone rang and the mail was delivered. It had been quite a ride. I was beginning to get totally exhausted and unsure of how much longer I could last.

It was so easy to become angry with the system. It is so out of whack and the care is atrocious. Now, I see that much of my anger was fear... fear of being out of control and not being able to take care of her.

I was very lucky she wound up in Kenosha. She happened upon a wonderful compassionate doctor who eased my burden by showing me that even professionals struggle with the same end of life decisions I needed to make. He called me every evening the week we discontinued heroic measures. It seems strange that with all the time I spent there, I never met him in person; however, I know that he was a good human and chose the right profession.

Dealing with her personal belongings is my summer task. I can only do so much, and then it becomes personal, and unfortunately, overwhelming. I remember this from when my dad died.

Take a look around at all the crap and mementos you have accumulated and wonder what someone else will do with them.... It is sad.... but stuff is just stuff.

I'm doing ok though. Life does go on. You are a conglomerate of your life experiences. I have a wonderful group of friends who keep me busy and laughing.