I haven't been back for quite awhile. It is still very hard to read where my mind was at such a difficult time in my life. I left out a lot of the sadness, it was just too raw to document. It was a very tough time helping someone navigate the end of life necessities.  I can't say that the pain is gone. It never really leaves you.  It changes you.  I think the time between feeling panic gets longer and longer as you go. 

So this is 2021. Month eleven of the Covid pandemic. I decided it was in my best interest health-wise to retire. My employer's decision making was never in the best interest of the employees. I chose to be the "Master of my own domain," and not let their choices be the guiding factor. It was a good decision. They have required employees to work in buildings that I believe are unsafe. They are now looking at bringing back students just as vaccines are beginning to role out. We've gone this long being safer at home and now we want to open it all up?  No one knows the implications of whether this is just an experiment or whether workers and students will be safe, or if someone's life will be compromised and they close back down. 

I can't believe it has almost been a whole year of staying in, staying safe. Thanksgiving was cancelled, Christmas was bizarre. We held it in my daughter's garage with the door open. It was wonderful to see the kids and grandkids, but very odd, very short. There was no Valentine's Day party, no chocolate hearts for the grandkids. No Easter dinner. No birthday parties. I miss my kids. I feel like I'm missing very important milestones with the grandkids. Will they even know me?  

More sadness this year. My younger brother, my lifelong partner in crime, my easy going,  go-to guy for normalcy passed away from Cancer. It happened fast. Learned that he saw a doctor and within a few weeks he was gone. How can that be? From five of us in my immediate family, we are down to two, myself and my oldest sister who lives on the other side of the country. Life can be mean, and disaster can, and does happen without warning sometimes. 

As of right now, I am trying to be patient. I'm trying to maintain calm and believe things will improve. I am relatively healthy.  No vaccines for Covid yet. They are still working on making more and getting it to first responders and those who have more exposure. I have to wait my turn. I hope it comes soon. I need to get out and live a little yet. Life is too short to quarantine forever. I miss people. I miss the spontaneity of a drop in visit. Zoom helps, somewhat, but it is nowhere near the same as a hug and an, "I love you, Grandma."

Silly Video

♫ Keeper of the hole, master of the house.
This little ditty has been sitting in drafts for a long time. Still makes me smile, so I'll post it.

Time Keeps Marching On

Time for  another update. Can't believe how the years pass. Looking back at my thoughts and view of the world and my current situation is interesting.  Many changes have occurred since my last writing.

A new job was on the horizon. Good things come to those who persevere and to those who have the want and initiative for improvement. My new position is better than any that preceded it. There is the independence I was seeking, and I am able to work to help children a much more fulfilling way. It can be more than exhausting at times, as the workload can be heavy. With no clearly defined parameters, I am finding that I am my own worst boss. It is hard to pace myself and not do too much. There is a huge needy population of teens out there. Seems like not only are the basic needs of kids not being met, they are totally lacking in guidance from home: common sense, honest conversation and self-assurance. Phones, electronics have taken over. Everything is immediate, intense in the moment, and therefore less satisfying, and can be more devastating and intense. Bullying is a huge issue. More and more, kids are failing in a system that is being forced to dumb down to meet the lower performance. I'm concerned it is a spiral effect and is sometimes hard to witness. Then, there are happy moments where you see you are making a difference and you come back the next day, newly refreshed.

My health has been an issue this past year. I've been dealing with a string of unusual infections that several doctors couldn't solve - or didn't seem to want to pinpoint the link or root cause of them. The extreme fatigue and memory issues had me pretty worried for awhile. Throwing antibiotics at it didn't help, but seemed to compound the situation. I felt poisoned and toxic with the medication at one point. My immune system is still fighting whatever it is, but at the moment, with the summer sun and air, it feels more manageable.

I saved the best for last.... There are also babies in my life. Three lovely little ones. My own children are wonderful parents. This depth of this joy can't sufficiently be put into words.

It has been a long time since I laid down my thoughts. I started looking back at some previous posts, but can only read back so far. Hard to believe all that took place. Hard to believe I was able to manage it all.  It was a difficult time, for sure. Writing it out helped. The plants from the funeral that I planted outside still bloom. She is still with me in many ways, in my thoughts and actions every day.

My last two years have not been without change and drama. Changes to my job have been challenging. The political climate in our state certainly did not favor education. Many jobs were shifted, hundreds were eliminated, and I was one of the causalities. It took great focus to see my way though. Just when I felt comfortable in my skin again, another shift came my way. I'm beginning to think I was meant to learn most of my life lessons late in life. I've never been good with change, and this has been a real test.

I think I've learned that I can be very adaptable. It takes a lot of work and energy, but it can be done. I think I've learned a new confidence and strength in myself. Now.... let's hope this test was passed and I don't need to keep practicing. Although the job I'm doing isn't using my skills, it is a still a very important job and directly impacts the children I serve. I am still looking for a better fit. I come home tired, sore and sometimes very mentally beaten. Something using more brain power and less wiles and physical fortitude would be welcome. Have I paid enough dues yet? Only time will tell....

Storm Report

Where were you when the big wind from Winnetka blew though? 

Did you lose your power?  Are you back in business?

Did you witness any damage or debris on your daily travels?

Please check in, let us know you survived and give your report! :)

1/14/2011

 

Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.